Marriage Mondays

I love words.  Some writers and speakers have the ability to string words together so eloquently  that they have the power to make you think and even experience things in a way you never have before.   I’m always playing songs for people and getting upset half way through when they start chatting with me, because I want them to get the “profoundness” (I even like making up my own words) of the lyrics.  Rarely, do I find someone with the same passion for words as myself.  There are some words however, that because of their repetition and monotony, just get old.   Those two words are “sorry” and “love”.   It’s sad because, I tend to think that these are probably the most important words in our language.  We tend to use them so flippantly and so frequently that the weight of them gets stripped away.

I’m guilty of it myself.  I tend to “love” a lot of things, starting with (but not ending with) the new shatter nail polish by OPI or the new Justin Bieber song, because I am a recent convert to his tribe and I am not ashamed…the list of “loves” goes on.  Then there is that word, “sorry”.  In kindergarten we were taught that that word pretty much fixes everything.

Spilled the milk?…”Whoops, sorry”

Smack your sibling in the face? Just, say  “sorry” and you get an instant pass out of your room.

Many of  us never grow past that, in spite of the fact that our offenses can be so much more offensive as we age. Nevertheless, we still use “sorry” as the duct tape to fix it.  After all duct tape fixes everything right?!  ( Not really.  You try ripping duct tape off of your chest when trying to hold up “your girls” in a strapless dress and see if you think that’s a good solution!!!!)

Every weekend in the majority of Toronto weddings that we shoot, there is a famous passage of scripture in 1st Corinthians 13 that is either read by the officiant or family friend. It says “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.”  Those words have been flying over my head because it is so frequently quoted, but I spent time recently, thinking about it and wondering if the last time I said “love” in a purposeful way, if it actually rang true or was nothing more than a gonging or clanging in the soundtrack of our life.  I believe that what makes the word “love” or “sorry” ring true is when our actions convey their truth.  Our actions can be so much louder than the words that are coming out of our mouths. When what we do and how we behave does not support the phrases “I love you” or “I’m sorry” they hold little weight.  Simply, because our actions have been screaming the opposite  all day.  That’s when our words are nothing more than a clanging or a gonging.
It’s cliche, but it’s true… Love is a verb and so is  the word Sorry.

My Marriage Monday challenge  to all of us is to make sure that our actions don’t drown out our words.  I want my husband and everyone that I am in a relationship with to fully hear what I mean when I say “I love you” or “I’m sorry.

Here’s to making beautiful music in our relationships and not sounding like a bad percussion section in a high school band!

Toronto weddings

What a weekend!  We are well  into “summer shooting madness” and this week, we barely had a breather.  Since having our last baby, we’ve set it up so that I can work from home and be more present in the children’s lives, but this week, Matt needed some assistance.  I have to say, although stressful, it was so much fun to be back on the road assisting him on his shoots.  In two days we shot a maternity session, 2 engagement shoots and a Mendhi party.  As we dashed from event to event whenever I was asked, “How are you?” I would respond with “busy”.  Which was true, but doesn’t it seem like the word “busy” is now the expected answer to that question?  Then we follow up that question with a laundry list of activities that we’ve had to perform, which  in my house actually does include laundry and tons of it.

However, yesterday, as Matt was doing a wedding photography shoot for our friend’s bride to be in the morning (which was a total blast by the way…..the bags under my eyes are currently hanging at my ankles to prove it) I saw something completely refreshing.  She was totally relaxed, and taking everything in stride.  If that wasn’t surprising enough, while Matt was capturing her dress being done up, he said “Smile, you’re marrying Garnet today”.  We didn’t just get a smile in return, we got a genuine, fist pumping, radiant cheer and then she shouted “I’m so pumped, I’m marrying Garnet”. I know it sounds weird, but I almost started to cry when she did that.  How beautiful is that? Who wouldn’t want to be loved  by someone so much that the very  mention of your name makes them shout and fist pump?!  I was astonished at her ability to look past all of the busyness of the morning  and truly be in the moment.   It’s a common idea in our culture that we should,  send out good energy, and it’ll come back to us.  We may discuss the concept with each other, but it can seem difficult at times to put into practice.  The best way to accomplish it though, is with the words that are coming out of our mouth.  It’s actually an ancient truth.  In scriptures, such as James 3:4  the tongue is likened to the rudder on a ship and even though the rudder is so tiny it is responsible for steering a large vessel.

I learned that lesson in a tangible way yesterday.  Our friend’s lovely bride set the tone for the whole day with her positive words and attitude.  The potential for stress melted away as she steered the conversation from the regular talk about how hard planning a wedding is to how much she loved her groom and that she was going to enjoy every minute no matter how the day unfolded.  It made me think,  it’s all in the way we look at a situation. Some of us…and I’m talking to myself here, tend to focus on the stressful tasks of the day and turn them over and over in our minds until we get that whole high strung feeling whirring around us.  Then there are those who recognize it, but choose to meditate in their hearts, on the positive, and that’s what ends up coming out of their mouth.  Aren’t they the best people to be around?  It’s actually infectious.

So here’s my Marriage Monday challenge…let’s not answer the inevitable question of “how are you?” with “busy”.  Let’s not give our significant other a big old laundry list of how busy we were today and all the tasks that we had to do when we meet up after work.  Instead let’s be infectiously positive.  I challenge you and myself to see the “how are you?” question as an opportunity to send out some good vibrations! I think I’m even going to fist pump and cheer when Matt walks through the door tomorrow.

Happy Marriage Monday….a little late, but hopefully better late than never.

Cheryl

Engagement shoots Wedding photography

Hey Everyone!  I hope you had an amazing long weekend and your Canada Day celebration “comedown” isn’t too hard.  I have had some ideas for today’s Marriage Monday, but it all felt a little too heavy after such a celebratory weekend.  So I decided to go on the lighter side of things.

Do you have a couple song?  You know the kind where you turn it up when you’re both in the car and sing your hearts out?  The one where, when you’re attending a wedding and the DJ plays it, you squeal with delight grab your sweethearts hand and head out on to the dance floor.  You know the one!  I love stuff like that.  It’s those little things that bond you just a bit more.   It took me a while to come up with a song for us…because I wanted it to be perfect and mean something.  Then I just couldn’t stop picking songs….lol!  So here are my all time top 10 favourite Cheryl and Matt songs.  Feel free to add to the list.   You never know,  we might just help someone come up with their first dance song.

1. You and Me Song by The Wannadies (this is soooo us)
2. Make You Feel My Love – Originally recorded by Bob Dylan, but I love the Adele version
3. Can’t Help Falling In Love- Elvis Presley, but I walked down the aisle on our wedding day to the Bono version.  I knew it was the right song, when the first time I heard his version I cried.
4. Nothing Even Matters – Lauryn Hill and D’Angelo  (From the album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill…I swear it was the soundtrack of my late teens)
5. C’est La Vie – By Emerson Lake and Palmer.  This was my parent’s song when they were teenagers.  You should see them the odd time it is played now, you can tell it takes them right back.
6. Covenant Woman – By Bob Dylan. This is the song my dad read to my mom on their 25th anniversary
7. Better Off Alone – Alice Deejay, I don’t have anything  to say about that.
8. Let’s Stay Together -  by Al Green
9. Arithmetic -  by Brooke Fraser
10. Sleeping in My Car – By Roxette…there are some friends out there that are dying right now, not believing that I actually put that

(As I sit here Matt is brainstorming songs and has come up with “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” and “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”……that is not a Marriage Monday attitude.)

So, in honour of Marriage Monday, surprise your love with “your song” or pick one together if you don’t have one, then share with us.  We’d love to hear what songs are on your list.  Let’s keep the long-weekend celebration feeling going.

Happy Marriage Monday!

Cheryl

Wedding photographers Toronto Wedding Photographer Toronto

“When all the world is a hopeless jumble

and the raindrops tumble all around,

Heaven opens a magic lane……”

I have this song stuck in my head.  You know the one…”Somewhere, Over The Rainbow”.  Now that’s a good song!!  I told you I was weird.  I sing this song around the house all the time, especially at bed time to my kids…it’s our little lullaby.  We’ve even been known to sing it loud and proud in the car, because the kids are losing their minds for once again being stuffed and strapped into a car seat.

I think it’s a classic because it speaks to that fact that there is a light at the end of tunnel.  That there is a place “over the rainbow”, where it gets better.  We all know that life is a journey.  That’s one of the biggest cliche’s out there.  We also know that marriage is part of that journey and there are ups and downs along the way.  On our wedding day, we vow to be there for better or worse, for richer or poorer….not really knowing if we will ever have to make good on that promise or what keeping that promise will require from us.  It’s easy to make that promise when you’re surrounded by your family and friends, looking hotter than you’ve ever looked and a great meal and party in your very near future.  It’s quite another story when you’re living in your mother in laws basement with a baby on the way, your employment contract is almost up and you’ve just started your own business… all in the same year (that was 10 years ago).  That might not have been everyone’s experience but you can place your own life circumstances in there.  I have to say it did get better, we persevered, moved out, had more kids and the business prospered, and still is, but that doesn’t mean it was the end of our rough patches.  A couple of years ago things got really tough again.  Out of the blue we had some really difficult circumstances, smack us in the face.  It wasn’t just one thing either, there was a whole bunch of things all at one time.  I guess it seemed like there were “raindrops tumbling all around” (like how I pulled the song lyrics back in there).  It was so stressful, we just became quiet.  Normally we talk when we’re driving somewhere, but our drives became silent.  It was like when someone gets hurt and it’s hurting so bad, that they have to be quiet to concentrate, so they don’t freak out.  I remember in the mornings after breakfast, just walking out of the house and standing on the porch in silence, staring and praying….A LOT!

Then one day I had an epiphany…why were we going this alone?  There are other people out there who have been where we are.  They have had trials and they’ve made it through to the other side and accomplished things that they’ve set out to do.  I know people that have been over the rainbow and ventured on and hurdled other rainbows too.  So, one evening  when we were setting out to work a very late night, and everyone had left the office except for us, I gave that couple a call.  We put them on speaker phone and they said some of the most encouraging stuff to us and gave us great advice.  They said, “This is just a season, it’s not your life.”  It’s so easy to  lose sight of that in the middle of a rainstorm. (I think they actually made me repeat it, a few times.  I have to say Matt was a lot calmer than I am.  I can admit it, I’m a little high strung.)  They also made us look at the circumstances and see where the light at the end of the tunnel was and figure out how long it would take to get there.  We figured it out and started heading towards the light.  When I was feeling overwhelmed, I would remind myself “this is just a season, it’s not my life”.  I would look at the calendar and keep pushing.  Another huge thing was that they said they believed in us.  Then, they prayed for us and we hung up the phone feeling like rock stars.

Here’s my advice to all of you lovely, brave, adventurous people out there who are committing to the whole “for better or worse” lifestyle. Don’t go it alone.  Find people who have it made to the other side of their rainbows and ask how they did it.  Build a relationship with successful married people and follow their lead.  Life is so much easier when you live it with people who love you and believe in you.

Here’s some pics of our all time favourite couples:

First I gotta give a shout out to my mom and dad, who were married at 18 &19, had 5 girls and are still going strong!

A few years back we traveled to India to visit friends who run an orphanage there and to Dubai on the way back.  This is Matt and I on Safari, with Ps. Karl and Ps. Cheryl who I mentioned in this post.  They are amazing.

This was way too much fun.  The camel really dips forward when he’s getting up.  As you can see in the picture we weren’t really ready for it.

This is Matt and Ps. Karl on their camel ride.  If you are ever in Dubai, do the safari trek….you won’t be disappointed.

Happy Marriage Monday!

Cheryl

This weekend was our only weekend with some free time until October.  We couldn’t have ordered a more perfect weekend for weather and having it land on Father’s day was that much more special.  Matt misses a lot of birthday’s and family celebrations due to the nature of the wedding photography industry, so when it  happens that we get to spend a day like Father’s Day all together, we try to enjoy it to the max.  Since I’ve been writing Marriage Mondays, I have been checking to make sure that I’m being true to everything that I’ve written.  If you recall I wrote that it’s important to celebrate each other and consider each other, so that meant that yesterday I did my best to do that with Matt, which meant he chose where we ate.  Ottawa has an amazing amount of beautiful restaurants, with beautiful patios.  Matt chose to eat at a place off the beaten path, called Garlic Corner….I kept my mouth shut.  The food was great, but man was it hard to not try to get my way and sit on one of the pretty patio’s by Byward Market!! (Just a little confession)

In honour of Father’s Day, I decided to post for  Marriage Mondays a little photo shoot we did in Ottawa with Matt and the kiddies.  It was fun to have him in front of the camera, since that never happens!   As I was writing this and going through the photos I couldn’t help but think of all the reasons I love Matt as a Dad.

#1  He teaches the kids to never give up, because they NEVER see him give up or say it can’t be done!

#2 He teaches the kids to ask questions and to ask lots of them, because he is ALWAYS asking questions.

#3 He teaches the kids to “work hard, play hard” because that’s exactly what he does.

#4 He teaches the kids to be adventurous and look at life as one big exciting possibility.

#5 He teaches the kids not to take life too seriously, because that’s just not in his nature.

I hope you enjoyed Father’s Day Matt!  We LOVE you!  To all our Dad’s out there I hope yesterday was super special for you too!

Our life is made up of moments.  That’s not profound, I know. They come and go. Some with recognition and some without.  Sometimes there are those moments that stick with us forever.  If you were to ask me about any particular moment from 11 years ago, I may be able to recount some of them, but none like the one I had with Matt just before we decided to get married.  I had a feeling that what was being said was going to be lasting.

It was a dark and stormy night.   We drove along the monotonous highway, in silence, listening to the beat of the windshield wipers…..just kidding.  It wasn’t nearly that dramatic.  It was actually quite ordinary.

Over the years,  I have become used to Matt’s conversation. I have a sense when what he is saying carries weight. In general, he’s a really care free guy.  But a very careful decision maker, with the rare ability to do it quickly.  I really admire that about him.  So there we were driving a long the highway, in silence and he asked “What kind of life do you want?”  I instantly knew he was fact finding.  I knew he was trying to see what I wanted for the future.  He’s not the type of guy that likes long drawn out answers either ( high maintenance, I know), so I had to be quick and I had to be accurate, because this was important.  I thought for a quick second and the word “extraordinary” came to me.  I guess I could have listed how many kids I wanted etc., but I’ve never wanted to confine myself to a list or constrain myself too tightly and possibly strangle the room to dream.  Whatever I did……… whatever we did, I wanted it to be extraordinary.  We continued to discuss what the idea of living an extraordinary life meant to each of us for the rest of the drive home.

I’ve come to realize that in that moment,  we created a filter through which we would view our life , build our world and more practically make decisions.  Now, many of you reading this may know us personally and know that we are far from extraordinary day to day, but there is no shortage on trying.  I read recently that in order to have “the best” sometimes you have to say no to “the good”.  What amazing advice! That’s what we’re in the process of learning.   We aren’t perfect and we have been very “ordinary” in a lot of situations, but I wonder where we’d be if we weren’t reaching for what we define as extraordinary.

Everyone’s day is so full of decisions, and things that require so much of our time, that we can spend our lives just trying to keep up.  It can be so hard to know if you are making the “right” decision.  The one thing I know is that you need a filter or before you know it, you can be bogged down with so much “good stuff” that you’re totally missing out on what’s “best”, and may even be headed in a direction that you didn’t even want to go.

I’d love to hear from you and what you use as a filter or what pivotal moments are helping you shape your life.  I have heard from a lot of you and I know you’re reading, so don’t be afraid to comment.

Happy Marriage….Tuesday!  (I’ll be back on schedule next week.  I promise)

P.S. We’re working on getting a blog post up this week with some recent photos from this season.  So be sure to check back.

Cheryl

I was a weird kid, and I’m totally ok with that.  While other girls my age were going crazy over New Kids on the Block and Millie Vanilli (…yes, I am that old), I was listening to Louis Armstrong, Frank Sinatra and just couldn’t get enough of old musicals.  I also loved old school R&B like The Shirelles and The Temptations just to name a couple.  During that time, I came across a song that was so fun to sing and has been recorded by dozens of artists.  It’s “The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s in His Kiss)”.  Do you know it?  If you don’t you can definitely find it on youtube.  Cher made it big again, sometime in the ’90′s.

The lyrics go like this :

Does he love me, I wanna know
How can I tell if he loves me so

(is it in his eyes) Oh no, you’ll be deceived
(is it in his eyes) Oh no, he’ll make believe
If you wanna know if he loves you so
It’s in his kiss (that’s where it is, oh yeah)

In his kiss?  Really?! Such a cute song, but so fundamentally wrong in my opinion.  Even though this is an “oldie”, this message is just as pervasive today as it was back then.  I don’t know about you, but that kiss scene in “The Notebook” is by far the best kissing scene I have ever seen in a movie. C’mon who doesn’t want to be kissed like that?!  In real life I believe that there is a place for those moments and I love them, but they just don’t happen everyday.  The problem is that marriage does happen,  EVERYDAY!

If I were going to answer the question posed by Rudy Clark in “The Shoop Shoop Song”(and that’s what I intend to do),  one of the things I know for sure (to quote Oprah) is that love is in the details and they usually consist of sacrifice.  By that I mean the daily little sacrifices we make for one another.  Anyone can create a perfect moment with enough planning or have a moment that works out perfectly in a romantic sense but what about the rest of life?

Let’s just look at the marriage vows and what they include.  We vow to cherish, and honour, through the good times and the bad.  Therein lies the beauty of marriage.  Someone actually chooses that they will love and cherish you no matter what, because they love who you are.  I have never felt so loved as when I feel fully known and yet still am fully loved.  I have a silly little example.  Matt and I have been friends since Grade 4 and started the whole dating thing way too young in my opinion, during Grade 8.  Matt knows, I always eat two sticks of gum and to be honest, I think it bothers him.  It’s a waste in his mind. (I know it’s a little thing, but just wait if  you aren’t married yet, those “little things” can turn into “big things”, bizarre as it sounds. Just watch Dr. Phil sometime, you’ll see.)  Although he sees it as a waste, he always just passes me two pieces when he has a pack.  He knows me, and although he’d like to make the pack last longer he shares with me, because he knows that’s what I like.  Sometime during highschool, we broke up and I started dating some other guy.  I remember sitting in his car and he passed me a piece of a gum, I asked for a second and he just didn’t get it.  Can I tell you, I missed Matt so bad in that moment!  Being fully known and accepted is the safest feeling on the planet, even when it is something as small as gum.  Needless to say he and I didn’t last. I mean really…it’s just gum.

I guess that’s why birthdays and anniversaries can mean so much to us ladies.  In our sitcom world we try to reduce women to being all about the  gift giving and feeding the whole high-maintenance, princess stereotype,  but I think a lot of us see it as a time set aside, to be considered.  To be seen, heard and celebrated.  If that’s not happening on a regular basis, then at least it can be done on a special occasion right?  It’s hard to do.  I know.  Male or female, we’re all guilty of it in relationships.  We have our blackberries or iphones to tend to.  We have jobs and lawns that need to be cut.  But, that’s the beauty of love being found in the details. It doesn’t always have to be The Notebook kissing scene we’re looking for.  Just put down your phone the next time you’re both sitting having a coffee, remember to kiss on the way out the door and say “I love you” and if you really want to kick it up a notch look her in her eyes when you say it.  Trust me on this.  She’ll totally dig it.  For us personally, the standard of love is demonstrated through Jesus.  The scriptures say in John 5:13 “No one shows greater love than when he lays down his life for his friends”(ISV).  Thankfully, that situation isn’t neccessary very often…phew!  However, in light of that we can definitely put down our phone, or share the two pieces of gum…that’s not so hard to do.

Happy Marriage Monday!

Cheryl

Creative   Weeding photographers Toronto

7 am came too early this morning.  Sunday evenings are Friday nights for us.  Matt is gone every Saturday this time of year shooting weddings, as well as the majority of Sundays.  For us,  Mondays are the big day off.   Being the party animals that we are, we try to create a Friday night experience (just so we don’t feel left out) on Sunday evenings.  The catch is, we can’t sleep in on Monday mornings because our 8 month old, 5 year old, 8 year old and 9 year old are not on the same schedule.  When I woke up this morning I was feeling a little less than in a teachable mood. That seems to be when the biggest lessons smack me in the face. 

There I was cutting cucumber, steeping a pot of tea, and managing the toaster, when my sweet little “Alibabs” (8 year old) presented me with her agenda for my signature.  She is very diligent with daily requesting my initials because the teacher  rewards her with stickers.  Normally I just sign and move on, but today was different.  Lately she hasn’t been doing her homework.  I’ve noticed pages stuffed in bags,  under books, and project outlines on the computer desk.  Despite my nagging, the skipping rope seems to have won out over the importance of researching Spain (there’s a shock).  I am aware that my initials are an indication that she is completing her responsibilites at home and today, I just couldn’t vouch for her.  Believe me, I would’ve loved to and  returned to the business of breakfast and recess snacks but we had to have the discussion. Like most of the situations that arise,  requiring me to teach them a life principle is just as much for me as it is for them.

I reminded ”Alibabs” of how excited she’d been at the beginning of the year and the excellence that she was putting into her work, but now as she’s become comfortable with the teacher and the routines, she’s been getting lax.  I told her that life is just like running a race, we start out trying so hard and somewhere in the middle we can get distracted.  I told her that when you see the finish line, you have to push that much extra, even stick your neck out, because the reward is never handed out for people who started well, but for people who finish well.  The truth is everyone “starts” but a much smaller group ever finish well. 

Marriage is just like that.  We start out so well.  There is so  much planning that goes into the big day……the location, the food, the way we look.  Every detail scrutinized and planned to perfection so that the beginning of this journey we are embarking on is perfect, but that’s just the start.  Take it from me.   There is such a long journey ahead and just like any journey it isn’t alway easy.  There are hills, valleys and even some spots that feel like you’re running through a desert.  Sometimes we can get so caught up in the routines and monotany of life that we forget what we set out to do.  It’s in those moments that we need to take a moment and re-focus.  Easier said than done, I know.  Here is some advice I received and it has really helped, in the “desert moments” when things seem a little less than inspiring, look at the mountain top experiences that you’ve had together.  For some of you it may in fact be looking at your wedding photos, or the wedding video, when your husband or wife gave their speech or you gave your speech and you are reminded just how much you feel for them.   Remind yourself of what brought you here.  Then look to the future and remember where you’re headed.  What goals have you set out for your lives?  What dreams do you have for your relationship and your lives?  Keep your eyes on the goal and if you don’t have a goal or a dream, then my advice is start dreaming! 

Cheryl

P.S.  I’d love to hear what goals and dreams you have for your lives, and marriage?  Dreams are so important…feel free to share.

Side Note from Me:

I always think big.  In fact thinking big is the only way we think around here.  So I am hoping that “Marriage Mondays” becomes a movement.  We have #followfridays on twitter and #fridayreads, so I am declaring #marriagemondays for Monday.  Let’s face it, Monday is not the day of the week, that the majority of us are looking forward to.  That got me thinking, what if Monday’s weren’t just about getting back into the business of business but also a day to take a minute and re-focus on our marriages?  Every Monday check out our blog and I’ll be here, sharing our experiences, our wins, our failures and the lessons that we’ve learned.  I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination.  My only qualification is that I’ve been married for 10 years and we’re still here loving eachother.  

Whether you are a new client of Xero Digital and you are planning the big ceremony and celebration that marks the beginning of this crazy,

wonderful journey called marriage, or a client who still visits your wedding photographer’s website even a couple years after the “big day” (we love that by the way) or not a client at all, but you want to participate in this dialogue, we say “Welcome”.